Published May 29, 2008
Unfair
You get a million offers.
I get none
People go and hang out.
I can't join the fun.
You think that I may spoil the day,
Because to you i did it once
I can't join in to play.
You pretend to care and ask me.
Yeah! Maybe it'll all be fine.
Wait, it doesn't matter
You already made up your mind.
Yeah, go ahead without me.
Don't bother to even share.
One day maybe you'll look back for me.
I just might not be there.
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Canary word: Present
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141,659 Literary Works • 675,354 Reviews
Oh god, not 'poor me' and 'angst' poetry. It's cliche and gives us no emotion. You drag on contrived idea, with great lack of originality. Then go on and ramble. Why should we care? Poetry should leave us feeling some emotion. Shouldn't be some teen rant about how unfair their life is. For i've news for ya, we've all tough lives so reading about something like this. Just makes us think 'what a huge lack of originality' poetry comes from the heart and imagery, not poorly structured or trite comments. Don't tell us the emotion, show it. Don't act assume for an angry poem to be put on an angry voice. Imagery and langauge techniques can show this a great deal. Lastly avoid cliches like you've got in this poem.
Overall: I wish I couldn't be so blunt, but I suggest you take Ami advice, you'll see that poetry isn't some painful teen rants. It's like art, you paint a picture with words instead of brush.
Good luck
VSN
I can hear the voice of a narrator and he/she sounds whiny, like as if he/she was rambling on about all these unfair things. That's good news if you wanted to give the audience that kind of notion.
Your poem consists, mainly, of stanzas with four lines so I think you should add another line to the stanza quoted below:
Doing so will even out the rhythm a little. This suggestion, however, is entirely optional. :]
Nice work--it was a pleasure reviewing it.
~ Summerless
Hello Ok why do you have italics and bolding in your poem? Is it to try to emphasize something because to me it makes no difference.
Good job punctuation wise. Also the poem was very imaginative must of took some time to think of huh?
Well I liked it. Maybe you can give me some tips to get started.
If you need me you know how to reach me by pm.
From GordonRamsayLuver
This just sounds weird too, to me.
Maybe maybe should be before I in the second line there.
Hey your supposed to review at least two works for each work you post. Just to let you know.
It's cute and witty. My kind of poem.
Great job. I have no idea why but it just is other than the mistakes.
-Amber
I did feel like the rhyme scheme was a little forced, but other then that it was ok. It was a bit unoriginal and had a few cliché phrases, but I’m not one to talk because I have some of those to. Good work though.
Hey Yuki, and welcome to YWS- I hope you stick around. I see you're from Canada- what's it like? That's a country I've always wanted to visit.
Now- to the poem. I the overall theme is good, but for me it lacks any real originality and it failed to speak to me or move me in anyway. I can see that there's a strong emotion behind it but you've used little poetic devices. The italics add nothing to the piece and the short sentences are tiring. I would suggest reading some poetry- my favourites are Plath and Frost, but the choice is up to you.
Oh, and remember- the rhyme scheme here is very forced- poetry doesn't always have to rhyme.
I hope this helps,
Good luck
-Eimear